When I was about 9 months sober and actively working the steps, my wife said: "I think I liked you better when you were drinking!" Obviously, she didn't mean it, but if ever there was a time for blaming a relapse on someone, that would have been it.
To this day, she considers it my problem, not hers. No AlAnon for her, thank you very much, and this makes it much more challenging--Duh. Suggestion: Do NOT tell them they need AlAnon (you will, anyway)... It's like the doc telling me not to drink on Antabuse because it'll make me violently ill. He was right.
I've been sober for a while, but I STILL have to be reminded of right-behaviours and to do the 'next right thing' constantly. On pp 419 of the text of Alcoholics Anonymous, there's a couple paragraphs that Dr. Paul O. talks about taking his program into his home and to stop trying to change his wife. I have had to copy that and leave it in my car, because she simply will not love me like I think she should; she won't treat me like I should be treated; she won't behave like I think she should behave; she won't stop spending money like I think.... Get the picture?
Somewhere in the 12 and 12 in step 10 it talks about the Spiritual Axiom. I hate axioms. I have to accept, however, that my mind is not my friend--Joyce Meyers wrote an entire book about, "The Battlefield of the Mind," and I swear she was using mine as the diagram! Spiritual warfare in my head? Yup. And I used to get hammered and watch it until I couldn't remember what side I was on.
Anyway, I've had to ask on more than one occasion that my Spousal Unit (SU) stand down and back up; that I needed to work my recovery and I'd apologize in advance for having to avoid certain triggers. Nowadays, fighting seems like a complete fear-based activity so I make every effort to apply my principles as I was taught. GENERALLY speaking, it works if I work it. And the topics seem to lessen when I practice love and forgiveness first and foremost in my life. It helps (for me) to have a God and a savior, too, but I have also learned not to "shove the dove" within the confines of recovery.
I guess this turned into a dissertation--sorry. I've seen a lot of people get divorced in AA because it's easier to blame the other person rather than practice ego-reduction and fear removal, but I don't get to make the rules these days. Nobody ever asks me to, either... There are a lot of self-help books on forgiveness and relationship mending, but there's only One I have found that works under all conditions...
Hope this helps. You can IM if you have particular questions, but I started getting sober when I had been married 27 years. Some changes were required, and some were scary...
breaking bad food network star British Open 2012 bane Aurora Colorado Rajesh Khanna friday the 13th
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.